Apologies
by nastygustin
Summary: After a tiring trip to Washington D.C. Annalise comes back to Phylli, exhausted, and sees a new e-mail in her inbox. She didn't talk to Isaac for a week, but it felt like he wasn't ready to let her go that fast.


Hey, ah... I wanted to say something. Please, don't close the window and let me say this, okay?

I... I don't even know where to start. How about this: I'm a total mess right now, okay? Look, this isn't some kind of justifying of what I said, and I know how hurt you must be, but I want you to know that I didn't mean all that I've said. I know I mustn't have blamed you for me doing what I've done, as you have nothing to do with my feelings or my previous life experiences. I was stressed, exhausted and enormously nervous - but that's on me, not you. I knew what I was doing and willingly put my effort and my whole heart into this. Into you.

And, of course, I knew exactly why I had to do it: because I wanted it. I wanted _you_ even when I didn't fully realised that, until you've opened my eyes and said I was just like your husband, until you started coming to me instead of a bar when I started to feel needed. It was never about you or you exeptionalism, if we're being honest, it was about me fulfilling my needs and meeting my demands. I don't even know how I feel saying that, but I have to be honest - with you, with myself, with all of us.

So please... if you can't forget what I've said, could you at least forgive me? It's not that easy, I know, but I could use some encouraging words from you. I mean... God, this is so hard, and I miss you so much. We started to talk every day lately and I suddenly understood that was everything I ever needed. Or, at least, for last couple of months, so any word from you right now would do. How's your work? How're your students? I would be so glad to hear any of that tales!

I may hope you would understand everything without me having to explain it, but, God, it's a high time for me to reailse people don't always know what I need and, usually, nobody understands and nobody knows, and that's okay, because all of us are humans and... yes. I turn 60 in several years and I can't even start explaining myself to the woman I... gravely offended. Or did I? I think so as I can imagine how you might feel right now and how hated I am by you. You probably try to hide it or load yourself with work so not to think about it, but, as your ex-therapist, I can say that it will only make things worse... but, probably, me preaching over you right now is even worse than what you do right now. You might not even want to listen to some advices from an addict, but I mean it when I say I'm much more beyond that. Can you, please, believe me? Just one more time? Or, if you really think about it, for the first real time _ever_?

I know you don't have time for me and, probably, you don't think _us_ is a really good idea after everything I've told you. And, what's even worse, you could be right. We're not good for each other, that's what you said and that's what I remember, but I can see how everything that's effecting me passes by you and leaves you unharmed. Why is that so? Are you stronger than me? Don't you care for me as much as I care about you? Oh no, it's just you've got everything figured out, and I, as I've told you, am a total and utter mess.

So I can understand if you don't want to answer but I had to say it, that... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into my life and this mess like this. I shouldn't have put blame on you, you don't deserve it. You deserve encouragement, love and a strong hand and... God, I wish you knew how proud I was of being that for you. Or at least I think I was. You probably don't need it - neither from me, nor from anyone else. As it is, I believe you're completely fine all by yourself, and I turned to you as a giant black hole I could put my heart into. I don't say you're swallowing everything good there is in your life or whatever, I only want to say that we could have got each other's signals wrong. And that's okay, and that's what I'm also sorry for. I was swallowed, and for a very long time couldn't understand whether it was right or wrong. Right, I guess, if you look at it from the right angle.

Yes, I'm really-really sorry for... for everything. For me not being strong enough to let you go and for saying all those horrible words I can't even remember right now. I only remember how angry I was and realised you were just unlucky enough to see... and to hear that. I can say that you hate me, and God knows I deserve that, but I would hate myself for the rest of my life even more if I didn't at least try to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blamed you for everything that happened, for I know it was never your fault. How must it feel, when a person promising to be by your side suddenly starts betraying you and pushing you to the edge?

Of course, there is an explanation. Of course, I don't truly believe in what I've said, but that doesn't mean you have to forgive me. So, if you're interested, I am ah... I'm on therapy and I don't go out that often, so... I can't turn to that very corner to, you know, buy the drug, and I'm clean for two weeks now, which is long enough for me. It's devastating, but thinking that I've lost my daughter because of this and now I'm losing you is way more devastating. I don't want this, I promise you. I know how horrifying that is and I remember what I've lost the last time I wanted to get high. I know this isn't the same, but I don't want to lose you too, and I can see how my addiction crosses people out from my life. So, it's just me trying to... you know, get you back.

I want to hear your voice once again and see you, but I won't force you and will never call again if you decide not to call me back. I'm going to be fine, I promise, if this is... any interest of yours. I can wait for as long as you will need. I've fancied what we had and I would do it all over again.

I want to be closer to you, Annalise, and I still care about you. So, please, just call me, if you do too.  
Isaac


End file.
